Here we go again!! I LOVE this guy!
Read it, dammit!

Enjoy the Ride

February 29, 2008

“We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us.”
-Joseph Campbell

I love this picture. I love it on several different levels. It just this second occurred to me, for example, that I’ve never seen any Benedictines on a roller coaster. There isn’t much “ora et labora” in an amusement park. ‘Letting go’ is a concept that Buddhists ‘get’ immediately, viewing attachment as the source of suffering. I love this picture, too, because it reminds me of what my friend Dana says about faith. Dana has had a really, really hard year. She has had loss compounded upon loss for months. She has come into the rooms and cried on dozens of occasions. She has leaned on the group and on the principles and on the people who love her and she has stayed sober. Things are finally looking up in Dana’s world and the other day Dana said that being sober is like being on a roller coaster. “I’m finally getting back to the fun part where you throw your hands in the air and yell ‘weeeeeee’!”

Life really is like that. It is for me anyway. It’s like I’ve been on this really scary roller coaster for years and I’ve been hanging on to the side of the car. Every time the car starts rolling down again I grip tighter and scream all the way down. When I get to the bottom of that hill I loosen my grip a little and congratulate myself on having hung on so well, having navigated the descent so expertly. Then the whole thing started all over again. If the roller coaster would just stop and I could get off then everything would be fine. It isn’t like that, though. As long as I’m breathing I stay on the ride.

Coming to believe that there is a power greater than myself and making a decision to turn my will and life over to it was like realizing that there is a track beneath the car and a safety bar holding me in. I can see the track. I can feel the safety bar. But haven’t I done very well to hang on to the edge of the car? Couldn’t this flimsy thing collapse under me at any moment? I suppose it could. But isn’t acting in faith acting with the belief in something about which doubt is possible? I’ve slowly been able to stop gripping the side of the car. I’ve realized that if there were a real catastrophe that holding on to the car wouldn’t save me anyway.

Now I pause. I breathe. I pray. I tell people how afraid I am. I try to let go. I try to gain faith by acting in faith. I still scream when the car is barreling down the hill. I do. But more and more I’m screaming with my arms in the air. More and more I try to let myself enjoy the ride. Sometimes I even think about getting on a bigger roller coaster.

9th Step Promises

I've submitted this guy's Blog before, but he wrote another today that I really enjoyed!
Passing it on!
Love you guys!!
~L

Choosing the Difficult

February 10, 2008 | No comments

To choose what is difficult all one’s days, as if it were easy, that is faith.
W. H. Auden

They tell me I seemed relaxed; that I did not seem bothered or distressed by the situation. On some level they are right. The outcome was in God’s hands. I was there to play the role He meant for me to play. I was meant to be accountable. Accountable is not a role I have played often. In fact, as I was having breakfast with my father yesterday morning I observed that this is probably the first thing in my life that I have taken accountability for without being forced by some external power. Going to court to account for my probation violation was all mine. Accountability - justice - is, after all, the essence of the 9th step and I did say that I am willing to go to any length for victory over addiction.

My violation was significant. They call it absconding from supervision. Of all possible violations this is the one they frown on most. They like those of us who are supervised to stay supervised. Most people who abscond from supervision compound the problem by also picking up new charges against them. Most people who abscond from supervision continue living the way they lived before. Most people who violate their probation and are sent to prison will tell you that the reason they are in prison is “they violated me”.

After the prosecution argued for imposition of the sentence underlying the original criminal conviction for which I am on probation, after my attorney argued on my behalf and after I addressed the court, the judge said very frankly that when he walked in to the courtroom he had intended to impose my sentence.

If anything, anything at all, had been any different, I would be in prison today. If I had not been sober for over a year. If I had been charged with any new crimes. If I hadn’t completed an in-patient treatment program. If I didn’t have the support of friends and family demonstrated by over a dozen letters and the presence in the courtroom of 8 people - 8 people! who took time off work to show that I matter to them (my sponsor, my sponsor’s sponsor, my roommate, a former employer, 2 friends, my aunt and most importantly my dad, who came up from Las Vegas to support me). If I hadn’t been able to demonstrate my commitment to 12 step recovery with attendance cards. If I didn’t have a job (even at McDonald’s). If when I posted bond to get out of jail I had done anything besides go directly to an AA meeting. If I hadn’t taken the 12 steps and if I hadn’t placed this at the top of my 9th step amends work. If I hadn’t been the one to initiate the process. . . if any one of these things had been different -and if I had anything less than a great attorney who believes in me- I would be in prison today.

I shouldn’t be surprised to receive a 9th step promise while making a 9th step amends, but I am dumbfounded by the degree to which God has been taking care of me all year. On my own I am not smart enough to conceive of such a perfect storm of good fortune. The only thing I did -the only thing- was that I became willing to place my trust and reliance upon God, a God of my own understanding, an infinite and loving God of all possibilities and to humbly do as I believe the God would have me do, and God has done for me what I could never do for myself.

Happy Thanksgiving

What is up with you peeps??! I miss EVERYONE SO MUCH!

Just wanted to take this minute to wish everyone a happy THANKSGIVING!

Hollah!

Riding a Wave

Seems Like there should be some Dramatic Music for this...



And maybe a "TA DAAAAAA" at the end? :)

Ok, Carol...I'm a SUCKER for quizzes ....

Your Inner Muse is Euterpe

You are most like this muse of music. While you may or may not be musical... You love music and set life to your own personal soundtrack. And you are good at making anyone's heart sing!

What Muse Are You?

Your Superpower Should Be Super Speed

You're quick witted and fast to act. You're mind works at warp speed. From your perspective, everyone else is living in slow motion. You get so much done, people have accused you of not sleeping. Definitely not a couch potato, you feel a bit crazy if you're not busy doing something. Why you would be a good superhero: You're be the first on the scene... and likely to finish the job before anyone else shows up Your biggest problem as a superhero: Being bored by everyone else. Including other superheroes!

What Should Your Superpower Be?

and finally (OH THE IRONY!!!!!)

Your Karaoke Theme Song is "Margaritaville"

You are a true party animal, but your style is mild and chill. Kicking back with a few friends and a few drinks is all you need to be happy. You certainly don't feel pressured to be a part of any party scene. In fact, you avoid trendier spots. You've been known to kick loose anywhere and everywhere. All you need is a cooler. You might also sing: "Gin and Juice," "Love Shack," and "Red Red Wine" Stay away from people who sing: "Wind Beneath My Wings"

What's Your Karaoke Theme Song?

LMAO!!

Quiz Time!!

Only because it's been a while and I'm bored. Besides....I really LOVE taking these "getting to know you better" quizzes! HA! Here are my results:

You Are Warm Nights by the Fire

Peaceful and romantic. The best part of fall.

What Part of Fall Are You?

You Are 52% Intuitive

Your intuition is often right, and you use it more than you may realize. Your gut feelings are usually a good guide, but you need more to go on when making a decision. You'll often check to see if the facts back up your feelings. And when your intuition is wrong, you work to improve it for the future.

How Intuitive Are You?

How You Life Your Life

You seem to be straight forward, but you keep a lot inside. You're laid back and chill, but sometimes you care too much about what others think. You prefer a variety of friends and tend to change friends quickly. You tend to dream big, but you worry that your dreams aren't attainable.

How Do You Live Your Life?

Sagittarius - Your Love Profile

Your positive traits: Your playful nature brings out the happy inner-child in dates You're willing to take risks in love... and reap the rewards You've got a killer sense of humor that gets talking with any hottie you meet Your negative traits: Sometimes your sarcasm comes off as biting and abrasive You can be brutally honest, tactless, and truthful even when it hurts You're such a free spirit that you find it hard to commit to one person Your ideal partner: Someone high energy who will pick up and out with you whenever Is creative and fun - thinking of new adventures for the two of you Is bold... and not afraid to tell you "I love you" early on Your dating style: Unpredictable. You never know how the night is going to end up. Your seduction style: Daring. You're always pushing to try something new in the bedroom. Full of imagination. You've always got a new fantasy you're dying to try. Spiritually driven. Sex for you can be an other-worldly act. Tips for the future: Realize that while freedom is great - sometimes a stable relationship is better. It's not all about you. Focus on your partner's needs every once and a while. Make up your mind about your partner, and stick to it. Your fickle will ruin things otherwise. Best color to attract mate: Purple Best day for a date: Thursday

What's Your Love Profile?

Your Dominant Thinking Style: Visioning

You are very insightful and tend to make decisions based on your insights. You focus on how things should be - even if you haven't worked out the details. An idealist, thinking of the future helps you guide your path. You tend to give others long-term direction and momentum.

What's Your Thinking Style?

You Are Paper

Crafty and creative, you are able to adapt freely to almost any situation. People tend to underestimate you, unless they've truly seen what you are capable of. Deep down, you're always scheming and thinking up new plans. Your mind is constantly active. You are quite capable of anything you dream of. You can always figure out a way to get what you want. You can wrap a rock person up in your sheet of trickery. A scissor person can sneak up and cut you to pieces. When you fight: No one can anticipate your next move If someone makes you mad: You'll attack them mercilessly when they're unprepared

Are You Rock, Paper, or Scissors?

OH OK OK, enough already! Go take some other quizzes of your own and share the results here!

Gratitude

I've posted from this blogger before - he's in my Reader and sometimes I stumble across a posting that really SHOULD be passed on to others.

You are my others...

Passing it on :)

Crystal Clean Persuasion: Tested

Monday, July 23, 2007

Tested

I received a big dose of perspective today.

First thing this morning, I was off to the DMV for my driver's test, the last step getting a driver's license. And I failed my test. I thought I had driven perfectly but I had not. I had 17 mistakes on the test of which 13 were "traffic check." As I understand it, I did not look over my shoulder to check traffic while changing lanes. I wanted to explain that I am only looking forward and keeping the memory of my past in the rear view mirror. But I thought better of it when I considered that my destination joy approach to life is probably not applicable to driving. I am being glib though small failures like this are most likely to take me down for a while.

But after my test I went to my beautiful AA meeting in the beautiful little church with the beautiful people in attendance. My notice of the beauty is still surprising me for I am seeing it where once I had not. Everything has it's own beauty, a beauty I just glossed over in all my earlier years, even before I used drugs. That remains the reason why I am still attending. I think it is a beautiful community of people that I am much in need of feeling a part of. So much so that I put my ideological differences aside for the time being and stood up and said my name and that I was an alcoholic and an addict. That's a big step for me (pun intended) and, as the topic of the discussion today was step one, the admitting to God and everyone that we are powerless over our addiction, a timely one as well. I cannot help but think the universe was nudging me a bit. And I didn't turn into stone after all.

Something else occurred that put my failing my driver's test in a more realistic perspective. A young woman of color, amazingly beautiful, stood up and told the group how her son had been murdered on the third of this month. The two of them had recently found sobriety in AA together. She nearly collapsed as she shared her her determination to not let this catastrophic event in her life be cause for her to return to a life she fought so hard to rise above. I have never felt so helpless in all my life as I did in the presence of so much raw pain. Tears were running down my face as well as every other face in the sanctuary. No words, no reason and no amount of comfort would bring this poor woman any relief. She has a long, painful road ahead of her. This story and the one that can be found on The Junky's Wife's blog today about her friend and coworker, who in the blink of an eye lost his young wife in a motorcycle accident, has given me pause to even think of feeling sorry for myself because I failed a stupid test. I hate that I am compelled to feel gratitude for so much only in the face the egregious loss of others. I don't know these people but I can imagine their circumstance. That's quite enough. I feel restless and fragile. Confused in the midst of all my clarity.

None-the-less ...

Joy is my beacon.

4th of July Pics

Finally got em up and loaded...Click on the pictures to go see the whole pictures with descriptions :)

Love yall!

How birth order plays a factor in your relationships
(Do you concur?)

If you’re an oldest child It’s no coincidence that most U.S. Presidents were first-borns: This is the sign of natural leaders. You’re a take-charge person, so not the type to drive friends and romantic partners crazy asking questions like, “I dunno where we should eat—where do you want to go?” Instead, you’ll make sure you have reservations—and land a prime table, too. And anyone lucky enough to pair up with you won’t spend weeknights wondering whether he or she has Saturday night plans, because “oldest kids are planners,” says Dr. Leman. You’re also old-fashioned—in a good way. You always come through on anniversaries and Valentine’s Day.
Your love challenge: Being more spontaneous. First-borns aren’t the seize-the-day sort (you’re not one to text your sweetie to suggest meeting at this fun café you just walked past). Likewise, “you hate surprises,” Dr. Leman warns. Pity the fool who springs meeting the parents on you or when you thought it was just the two of you are going out!
Best match: Youngest child. “It’s a case of opposites attracting,” says Dr. Leman. “You help the last-born be more organized, and the last-born helps you lighten up.”

If you’re a middle child Contrary to their rep as insecure messes (think: Jan Brady), middle kids actually make stable and loyal partners. “One thing you’re not is spoiled,” Dr. Leman says. You probably grew up feeling you got less attention than your sibs, and that drives you to work for every perk—including a happy relationship. Also in the plus category: You’re “a compromiser and negotiator,” Dr. Leman notes, so you’ll give your partner plenty of say in everything from how quickly your relationship progresses to where you go on vacation together. And your romance should be free of daily petty squabbles (middles hate conflict); instead, you try to put others at ease.
Your love challenge: Opening up. Have you ever been told you’re hard to read? “Middle children can be very secretive,” says Dr. Leman. “They got hammered by the first-born and swindled by the baby, so they keep their cards close to their chest.” You’re also not the best communicator when you’re upset. But if you learn to speak up instead of holding your anger in, you’ll have a more harmonious relationship.
Best match: Youngest child. “Middles aren’t as threatened by last-borns as they are by exacting first-borns,” so the odds are good for open communication, says Dr. Leman.

If you’re a youngest child You’re all about fun. The most outgoing kids in the birth order, youngest children live to have a good time (it may be because your parents were more laid-back by the time you came along). On a typical first date you’ll have your date laughing so hard beer shoots out his or her nose. In fact, “most famous comedians are youngest children,” says Dr. Leman. A partial list: Jon Stewart, Jim Carrey, Ellen DeGeneres, Steve Martin, Eddie Murphy. And forget ho-hum plans, like dinner and a movie: You love to do the unexpected, often on the spur of the moment. You’re the type to take someone to a party, only to whisper two minutes later, “Let’s get out of here,” and then convince your date to take a road-trip to Atlantic City or Vegas for the weekend.
Your love challenge: “Babies are the least financially dependable,” warns Dr. Leman (it comes from being, well, babied). So your date may be stuck picking up the tab when your credit card is maxed out. Also, some youngest children — not you, of course! — use that last-born charm and charisma to be a bit, ahem, manipulative, says Dr. Leman. That breed of baby will leave sneak off to hit golf balls with pals, leaving his or her date to fill in at a volunteer gig.
Best match: Oldest child (they serve as a good counterbalance in a parent-child sort of way) or middle child (they value friendships, so they totally understand why you love being the life of the party).

If you’re an only child You’re a rock-solid citizen—and sweetie. “Only children are super-reliable,” Dr. Leman says. “They’re like oldest children to the extreme.” Growing up with only adults made you into a little grown-up early on—serious and dependable. You’re the rare person who will stay up half the night helping a friend or partner prep for a licensing exam or a big work presentation. You’re the type to move your partner’s car so he or she doesn’t get a ticket. Punctual and true to your word, onlies like you never leave a loved one waiting for a call or email. And you’re articulate, too, so your date can expect great conversations that really make a person think.
Your love challenge: Admit it: You’re a bit of a perfectionist. Maybe you send back steaks that aren’t cooked just so or point out a teeny-tiny stain on your date’s sweater. Also, you’re so cautious and pragmatic, you can be very slow to act (read: Someone else has to make the first move).
Best match: Youngest kid, because you balance each other out. The baby of the family adds the spontaneity and romance, while you make sure you two aren’t dining by candlelight because the electric bill never got paid!

Why can't I be led

I have been out 'running' around today. Usual stuff, except that I did the apt. thing. So, here I am sitting in front of this young girl (probably not even my daughter's age) listening to her sell job on the apt. I was interested in. I have NEVER dickered with sales people. Just don't do it, no way, no how! So she is blah, blah, blahing about this 2 bedroom apt (which I really don't need)I say, "Is it in the trees, cause I really want an apt. in the trees?" "Uh, no, not really, BUT there are some trees by the building". So then we go around the next issue, a 1 bedroom, "do you have one? I inquire AGAIN. "Yes". "Is it in the trees? "Yes it is, but it is on the bottom floor (which I had nixed already)But! It is in the trees!
Now, I don't know if you can see where this is going, but I finally had to take a God
Break and go to my car for a heartfelt prayer.
I have never stood up for myself nor have I done much bargaining. Just isn't me. However, she (the youngster) was already amusing herself as she was sliding the pen towards me for my signature. After my quick car break, I went in (this time I felt a stronger presence about the room). I ended up getting the two bedroom, w/o trees but alas much larger for $10.00 more a month than the 1 bedroom. Now, my original question was "why can't I be led" the complete sentence; quietly? Even at best I probably did ok for myself but still wanted to stammer around the office and mul over my newfound voice. I am woman hear me ROAR! But not before I scream, kick and just about anger an entire nation (feels like it anyway).
Whew! Too much information? I'm taking a nap, I'm worn out. TADA!

This is my first attempt. Please consider me a bloggin' blogger. Or would that be a blogger bloggin'. Tadah!

Focus: Re Visited

So very sorry to have not responded before now to your last posting!

I was having trouble focusing...(lol)

I read the blog entry that inspired this question (I think) and I can't say I have a solution for you, but I can tell you that its not just you!! That's right...YOU ARE NOT ALONE!

Funks come and funks go like all the other ebbs and flows in our lives. Sometimes I can remember just that and its sufficient to get me through. But other times, it falls way short of benefiting. Not a comfort, but more of a sentence to even more drudgery!

And these funks creep up on me these days...seeming to jump me from a dark alley while trudging the road of happy destiny!
They cause me to look backwards with longing to the day when it was otherwise: the days when "joy (was) my beacon" (borrowed the phrase with gratitude from CrystalClearPersuasion ).
And I'm surely not appreciating the NOW when I'm looking backwards!

I mean, c'mon...let's face it: if I was embracing the NOW, would I be in a funk? Hmm...

Survey says, "probably not".

Most of the time, its a pervasive melancholy that bleeds outwards from the inside. So the things that aggravate and irritate are not the source of the funk-its internal. The things that bother me are the things that require me to focus and when I'm down, my energy is drained. There is no joy to fuel my life. The energy I DO have is more of a survival type energy. Someone once told me that they felt as though they were "sleepwalking through life"... that putting one foot in front of the other was the extent of their efforts because that was all they had to go on.

I GET THAT-it seems to be along the same lines.

While I'm in that funk? I find myself wondering if I will ever get back to the colors that I used to find in life and the joy that buoyed my spirit.

I close my eyes to sleep and dream with the hope that when they open on tomorrow, the world will be in focus and clear again, with a full spectrum of colors to breathe in again.

Focus

What do you do to re-focus yourself? I'm having a tough time staying "here" and in the moment.

Passing it on....

Hello posters!

I found a Stumbler that is a newbie to living a day at a time, but WOW! what writing abilities! :)

Here is one of his postings, which I read on my reader:

Sunday, April 8, 2007

Life outside the safe zone

91 Days

Life outside the safe zone

91 Days

I had a really nice weekend. The weather was beautiful. My brother had a dinner party Saturday night and we had guests over for Easter. Both dinners were beautiful and the guests were great. I felt a bit of confidence return to my conversational abilities. I once was a skilled a skillful and charming conversationalist but since I let my life slip away, that skill went with it. Or so it seems.

This is really just an example of how my confidence has eroded across the board. When I had to concern myself with getting better, with not using and riding out the physical effects of a sudden detoxification that occurred when I quit using, I had something that occupied my thoughts 24/7. I was either feeling joyous because I come to believe I could quit, or I was feeling sick because I had. I had no time to think about regaining confidence. I did not realize I had lost any.

Now I know I don't want to use drugs. I know I want a life and I know what kind of life I want. But to get to this point, I have, with the help of friends and family, created a safe zone. I have a place to live, food to eat and therapeutic support. I volunteer. I spend time writing on the Web. I correspond with friends. I love to go to the library, sometimes just because it is a destination, a safe place to go to. This is a very adequate but very temporary state of existence.

If I am to have a full and productive life I have to travel outside the safe zone, forge new relationships, repair old ones and maintain the few I have. I have to not only know my purpose but determine where and how I will fulfill that purpose. I will have to be in, associate with and negotiate situations and circumstances that will be less safe in terms of using meth. I will have to rely on my own unsupported fortitude to navigate the big bad world and THAT is frightening. Furthermore, I will have to deftly navigate a myriad of processes and also patiently endure them.

Doubt begins to haunt me as I give thought to my fears and with that thought, my attention. I am afraid.

Joy is my beacon.

Posted by Wayward Son at 9:26 PM

Late Easter

HAPPY LATE EASTER YA'LL!!!

One song

Try this then...

Just this one song~
God Rest In Reason

I know, I know...I'm biased, but
the boy can surely write and sing!! :)
Listen to the lyrics....

Shiny Songs

New Gizmos

Hey Y'all!

Shiny just added me to this blog and I think it is really awesome. I just wanted to say hello to everyone. I love the name. Now I have just got to go and check out the "StumbleUpon" site also courtesy of Shiny!

See you soon!

My VisualDNA...What a COOL concept!!

Read my VisualDNA™ Get your own VisualDNA™

Degrees of Separation

Adding this COOL SHINY new thing to every site I can!!

Ya'll add yourselves!
~ST