Gratitude

I've posted from this blogger before - he's in my Reader and sometimes I stumble across a posting that really SHOULD be passed on to others.

You are my others...

Passing it on :)

Crystal Clean Persuasion: Tested

Monday, July 23, 2007

Tested

I received a big dose of perspective today.

First thing this morning, I was off to the DMV for my driver's test, the last step getting a driver's license. And I failed my test. I thought I had driven perfectly but I had not. I had 17 mistakes on the test of which 13 were "traffic check." As I understand it, I did not look over my shoulder to check traffic while changing lanes. I wanted to explain that I am only looking forward and keeping the memory of my past in the rear view mirror. But I thought better of it when I considered that my destination joy approach to life is probably not applicable to driving. I am being glib though small failures like this are most likely to take me down for a while.

But after my test I went to my beautiful AA meeting in the beautiful little church with the beautiful people in attendance. My notice of the beauty is still surprising me for I am seeing it where once I had not. Everything has it's own beauty, a beauty I just glossed over in all my earlier years, even before I used drugs. That remains the reason why I am still attending. I think it is a beautiful community of people that I am much in need of feeling a part of. So much so that I put my ideological differences aside for the time being and stood up and said my name and that I was an alcoholic and an addict. That's a big step for me (pun intended) and, as the topic of the discussion today was step one, the admitting to God and everyone that we are powerless over our addiction, a timely one as well. I cannot help but think the universe was nudging me a bit. And I didn't turn into stone after all.

Something else occurred that put my failing my driver's test in a more realistic perspective. A young woman of color, amazingly beautiful, stood up and told the group how her son had been murdered on the third of this month. The two of them had recently found sobriety in AA together. She nearly collapsed as she shared her her determination to not let this catastrophic event in her life be cause for her to return to a life she fought so hard to rise above. I have never felt so helpless in all my life as I did in the presence of so much raw pain. Tears were running down my face as well as every other face in the sanctuary. No words, no reason and no amount of comfort would bring this poor woman any relief. She has a long, painful road ahead of her. This story and the one that can be found on The Junky's Wife's blog today about her friend and coworker, who in the blink of an eye lost his young wife in a motorcycle accident, has given me pause to even think of feeling sorry for myself because I failed a stupid test. I hate that I am compelled to feel gratitude for so much only in the face the egregious loss of others. I don't know these people but I can imagine their circumstance. That's quite enough. I feel restless and fragile. Confused in the midst of all my clarity.

None-the-less ...

Joy is my beacon.

4th of July Pics

Finally got em up and loaded...Click on the pictures to go see the whole pictures with descriptions :)

Love yall!

How birth order plays a factor in your relationships
(Do you concur?)

If you’re an oldest child It’s no coincidence that most U.S. Presidents were first-borns: This is the sign of natural leaders. You’re a take-charge person, so not the type to drive friends and romantic partners crazy asking questions like, “I dunno where we should eat—where do you want to go?” Instead, you’ll make sure you have reservations—and land a prime table, too. And anyone lucky enough to pair up with you won’t spend weeknights wondering whether he or she has Saturday night plans, because “oldest kids are planners,” says Dr. Leman. You’re also old-fashioned—in a good way. You always come through on anniversaries and Valentine’s Day.
Your love challenge: Being more spontaneous. First-borns aren’t the seize-the-day sort (you’re not one to text your sweetie to suggest meeting at this fun café you just walked past). Likewise, “you hate surprises,” Dr. Leman warns. Pity the fool who springs meeting the parents on you or when you thought it was just the two of you are going out!
Best match: Youngest child. “It’s a case of opposites attracting,” says Dr. Leman. “You help the last-born be more organized, and the last-born helps you lighten up.”

If you’re a middle child Contrary to their rep as insecure messes (think: Jan Brady), middle kids actually make stable and loyal partners. “One thing you’re not is spoiled,” Dr. Leman says. You probably grew up feeling you got less attention than your sibs, and that drives you to work for every perk—including a happy relationship. Also in the plus category: You’re “a compromiser and negotiator,” Dr. Leman notes, so you’ll give your partner plenty of say in everything from how quickly your relationship progresses to where you go on vacation together. And your romance should be free of daily petty squabbles (middles hate conflict); instead, you try to put others at ease.
Your love challenge: Opening up. Have you ever been told you’re hard to read? “Middle children can be very secretive,” says Dr. Leman. “They got hammered by the first-born and swindled by the baby, so they keep their cards close to their chest.” You’re also not the best communicator when you’re upset. But if you learn to speak up instead of holding your anger in, you’ll have a more harmonious relationship.
Best match: Youngest child. “Middles aren’t as threatened by last-borns as they are by exacting first-borns,” so the odds are good for open communication, says Dr. Leman.

If you’re a youngest child You’re all about fun. The most outgoing kids in the birth order, youngest children live to have a good time (it may be because your parents were more laid-back by the time you came along). On a typical first date you’ll have your date laughing so hard beer shoots out his or her nose. In fact, “most famous comedians are youngest children,” says Dr. Leman. A partial list: Jon Stewart, Jim Carrey, Ellen DeGeneres, Steve Martin, Eddie Murphy. And forget ho-hum plans, like dinner and a movie: You love to do the unexpected, often on the spur of the moment. You’re the type to take someone to a party, only to whisper two minutes later, “Let’s get out of here,” and then convince your date to take a road-trip to Atlantic City or Vegas for the weekend.
Your love challenge: “Babies are the least financially dependable,” warns Dr. Leman (it comes from being, well, babied). So your date may be stuck picking up the tab when your credit card is maxed out. Also, some youngest children — not you, of course! — use that last-born charm and charisma to be a bit, ahem, manipulative, says Dr. Leman. That breed of baby will leave sneak off to hit golf balls with pals, leaving his or her date to fill in at a volunteer gig.
Best match: Oldest child (they serve as a good counterbalance in a parent-child sort of way) or middle child (they value friendships, so they totally understand why you love being the life of the party).

If you’re an only child You’re a rock-solid citizen—and sweetie. “Only children are super-reliable,” Dr. Leman says. “They’re like oldest children to the extreme.” Growing up with only adults made you into a little grown-up early on—serious and dependable. You’re the rare person who will stay up half the night helping a friend or partner prep for a licensing exam or a big work presentation. You’re the type to move your partner’s car so he or she doesn’t get a ticket. Punctual and true to your word, onlies like you never leave a loved one waiting for a call or email. And you’re articulate, too, so your date can expect great conversations that really make a person think.
Your love challenge: Admit it: You’re a bit of a perfectionist. Maybe you send back steaks that aren’t cooked just so or point out a teeny-tiny stain on your date’s sweater. Also, you’re so cautious and pragmatic, you can be very slow to act (read: Someone else has to make the first move).
Best match: Youngest kid, because you balance each other out. The baby of the family adds the spontaneity and romance, while you make sure you two aren’t dining by candlelight because the electric bill never got paid!

Why can't I be led

I have been out 'running' around today. Usual stuff, except that I did the apt. thing. So, here I am sitting in front of this young girl (probably not even my daughter's age) listening to her sell job on the apt. I was interested in. I have NEVER dickered with sales people. Just don't do it, no way, no how! So she is blah, blah, blahing about this 2 bedroom apt (which I really don't need)I say, "Is it in the trees, cause I really want an apt. in the trees?" "Uh, no, not really, BUT there are some trees by the building". So then we go around the next issue, a 1 bedroom, "do you have one? I inquire AGAIN. "Yes". "Is it in the trees? "Yes it is, but it is on the bottom floor (which I had nixed already)But! It is in the trees!
Now, I don't know if you can see where this is going, but I finally had to take a God
Break and go to my car for a heartfelt prayer.
I have never stood up for myself nor have I done much bargaining. Just isn't me. However, she (the youngster) was already amusing herself as she was sliding the pen towards me for my signature. After my quick car break, I went in (this time I felt a stronger presence about the room). I ended up getting the two bedroom, w/o trees but alas much larger for $10.00 more a month than the 1 bedroom. Now, my original question was "why can't I be led" the complete sentence; quietly? Even at best I probably did ok for myself but still wanted to stammer around the office and mul over my newfound voice. I am woman hear me ROAR! But not before I scream, kick and just about anger an entire nation (feels like it anyway).
Whew! Too much information? I'm taking a nap, I'm worn out. TADA!

This is my first attempt. Please consider me a bloggin' blogger. Or would that be a blogger bloggin'. Tadah!

Focus: Re Visited

So very sorry to have not responded before now to your last posting!

I was having trouble focusing...(lol)

I read the blog entry that inspired this question (I think) and I can't say I have a solution for you, but I can tell you that its not just you!! That's right...YOU ARE NOT ALONE!

Funks come and funks go like all the other ebbs and flows in our lives. Sometimes I can remember just that and its sufficient to get me through. But other times, it falls way short of benefiting. Not a comfort, but more of a sentence to even more drudgery!

And these funks creep up on me these days...seeming to jump me from a dark alley while trudging the road of happy destiny!
They cause me to look backwards with longing to the day when it was otherwise: the days when "joy (was) my beacon" (borrowed the phrase with gratitude from CrystalClearPersuasion ).
And I'm surely not appreciating the NOW when I'm looking backwards!

I mean, c'mon...let's face it: if I was embracing the NOW, would I be in a funk? Hmm...

Survey says, "probably not".

Most of the time, its a pervasive melancholy that bleeds outwards from the inside. So the things that aggravate and irritate are not the source of the funk-its internal. The things that bother me are the things that require me to focus and when I'm down, my energy is drained. There is no joy to fuel my life. The energy I DO have is more of a survival type energy. Someone once told me that they felt as though they were "sleepwalking through life"... that putting one foot in front of the other was the extent of their efforts because that was all they had to go on.

I GET THAT-it seems to be along the same lines.

While I'm in that funk? I find myself wondering if I will ever get back to the colors that I used to find in life and the joy that buoyed my spirit.

I close my eyes to sleep and dream with the hope that when they open on tomorrow, the world will be in focus and clear again, with a full spectrum of colors to breathe in again.

Focus

What do you do to re-focus yourself? I'm having a tough time staying "here" and in the moment.