You are my others...
Passing it on :)
Monday, July 23, 2007
Tested
I received a big dose of perspective today.
First thing this morning, I was off to the DMV for my driver's test, the last step getting a driver's license. And I failed my test. I thought I had driven perfectly but I had not. I had 17 mistakes on the test of which 13 were "traffic check." As I understand it, I did not look over my shoulder to check traffic while changing lanes. I wanted to explain that I am only looking forward and keeping the memory of my past in the rear view mirror. But I thought better of it when I considered that my destination joy approach to life is probably not applicable to driving. I am being glib though small failures like this are most likely to take me down for a while.
But after my test I went to my beautiful AA meeting in the beautiful little church with the beautiful people in attendance. My notice of the beauty is still surprising me for I am seeing it where once I had not. Everything has it's own beauty, a beauty I just glossed over in all my earlier years, even before I used drugs. That remains the reason why I am still attending. I think it is a beautiful community of people that I am much in need of feeling a part of. So much so that I put my ideological differences aside for the time being and stood up and said my name and that I was an alcoholic and an addict. That's a big step for me (pun intended) and, as the topic of the discussion today was step one, the admitting to God and everyone that we are powerless over our addiction, a timely one as well. I cannot help but think the universe was nudging me a bit. And I didn't turn into stone after all.
Something else occurred that put my failing my driver's test in a more realistic perspective. A young woman of color, amazingly beautiful, stood up and told the group how her son had been murdered on the third of this month. The two of them had recently found sobriety in AA together. She nearly collapsed as she shared her her determination to not let this catastrophic event in her life be cause for her to return to a life she fought so hard to rise above. I have never felt so helpless in all my life as I did in the presence of so much raw pain. Tears were running down my face as well as every other face in the sanctuary. No words, no reason and no amount of comfort would bring this poor woman any relief. She has a long, painful road ahead of her. This story and the one that can be found on The Junky's Wife's blog today about her friend and coworker, who in the blink of an eye lost his young wife in a motorcycle accident, has given me pause to even think of feeling sorry for myself because I failed a stupid test. I hate that I am compelled to feel gratitude for so much only in the face the egregious loss of others. I don't know these people but I can imagine their circumstance. That's quite enough. I feel restless and fragile. Confused in the midst of all my clarity.
None-the-less ...
Joy is my beacon.
